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Congrats you found my secret blog, if you found this say "I know who you are, I know what you've done" in the chat on the homepage, or just message me on Pinterst.

This blog is so hidden because if ANY of my friends find this I am COOKED, BURNT even. Also, a little note just for myself, don't go back and read all of the old posts until you're 30. I want you to suffer in cringe and remember how you felt now, and if you're feeling worse now, then maybe this will make it better, and you can remember all the things you loved in these moments and enjoyed to do, and if you've gotten way better, you can see how far you've come.

I'm so cooked | 23rd August 2025

              I haven't done shit all day. I'm tired, I'm in pain, I just can't do anything. Being depressed AND disabled is NOT for the weak. Unfortunately, I am the weak. Ah well. Tomorrow I'm going out for dinner with some friends, since one of them is moving to Japan in a week for 19 months, so we want to do something all together before she goes. The girl I like is gonna be there. Oh yeah, you might have read about this on my thought diary page, but I told my friend (the one I'm in love with) that I like someone else to hide that I actually like her, and looking back I have no idea why I thought that was a good idea; I've fully cooked myself. There's no way I can tell her now. And I'm worried because she's said before a few times how she's only pulled friends, and it was weird because they told her like years later and it made her rethink her whole friendship with them. That makes me want to tell her now, but I also don't want to, because it might ruin the friendship if she doesn't like me back. But if I don't tell her now, I'll either have to keep it a secret from her forever, which feels like a bitchy move, or tell her later and make her feel like I didn't see her as just a friend that whole time. Which, by the way, would be wrong, since while I do like her, she's still my friend, and most of the time when we hang out, I do see her as just a friend, because thats what we are. And even if we did somehow end up dating, I would still see her as my best friend, as well as my girlfriend, yk? Idk, I've never dated anyone before and these are the biggest feelings that I've ever felt for someone so I have no idea how to process them. It would be easier to tell her if we didn't see each other everyday at school, but I also don't think I'd be able to cope without her at school. I know that's really not healthy, but I am trying to work on it, its just really hard because of everything I have going on. I think I'm geting better though. And its not like she knows I depend on her that much when we're at school, so I don't think its affecting her. Ah well, I'm getting mental health help so I'll get there.
              I really hope my friends don't find this blog, I'll be so cooked. I live in Australia, so there's gonna be a social media ban in like December I think, and if that does end up happening, we won't be able to talk on the apps we usually talk on, and I want to be able to recommend them Neocities and Spacehey (although idk if those will be part of the ban or not, gonna have to wait and see), but I also want to be able to keep blogging like this. I mean, I really doubt anyone else has actually read the stuff on here, since my website doesn't get many views and this page is hidden, but I like to pretend people do. And if its friends looking at the site, I'd imagine they'd go through everything on here (if they're good friends that is). Alhtough I doubt they'd actually start using Neocities, since you kinda need to know how to code for it, and they don't know shit about coding.  One friend, the one I like, used to do computer tech at school, but she switched because of how much she hated it.

Bored in computer tech yet again | 8th August 2025

              I'm bored in computer tech again, since I've pretty much finished any work I need to do. I was planning on just playing around with my pocket emo but the website is fucking blocked at school 😔. I still haven't done anything about how I'm in love with my best friend. I'm so scared I'll ruin the friendship, because while yes I do love her more than a friend, she's still a really good friend ignoring my feelings for her. If it wasn't for her, I would be so lonely at school, even though I have a bunch of other friends, shes just like one of the only ones that I feel the most comfortable around. I get really depressed when she's not at school, which I don't think is a healthy mindset. Gotta work on that. I gave her a book to borrow the other day, cause I was telling her about it and she thought it sounded good. She's quite a way through it now, and I'm so happy that she's actually reading it. She says that she likes it. 
              
              I love her so much, she's like one of the only things I ever think about. Computer tech is the most boring subject simply because she isn't here with me. This sounds really sappy, and I'm probably going to look back on this when I'm an adult and cringe, but this is me now and I need to talk about it because its on my mind so much. Yesterday, she was sitting really close to me during sport (we were both sitting out cause health reasons), and I know I'm probably just being delusional, but also during maths, I was lying my head down on the desk, and she bumped her arm into mine, but she didn't move it, so we were just chilling there, our arms touching. I did end up moving my arm when I put my head up off the desk, which I regret, but I did it because I was scared she would think I was being weird, even though she was the one her moved her arm their in the first place. I'm quite paranoid about social stuff if you couldn't tell. I can't wait to read this stuff in like ten years and see how far I've come. I hope there's actually someone out there reading this, I can't just be venting into the void. Well, I'm Christian, so I know God's reading it, but I wish there were someone in the world reading it and relating, just so I could feel a little less alone.
              
              I found that people don't really understand what it feels like to be lonely when they're not lonely themselves. I have many friends and lots of family, but whenever I'm not with the two friends I'm closest with (yes, one of which is the one I'm in love with), I feel like there's no point in living. Everything feels numbed down, and I suddenly don't care to look at anyone or care about anything, because why does it matter if I'm not able to show the person I love the most how much I love her in this very moment? How can anything have any meaning, if in this moment, I can't do anything for the girl that means the most to me? This is so sappy, but it really is how I feel, at least in this moment. Everythings just about now, this moment. You can reminisce on the past, but never relive it, and you never actually have full control over your future, and you're not there now so why does it matter? If I feel alone in the moment, it feels like I'm going to be alone forever. If I feel depressed in the moment, it feels like I'm going to be depressed forever. But a common thing that I've noticed is that this feeling, this feeling of permenance, is most amplified when I'm feeling my worst. One part of my wellbeing goes down, and it everything else goes down with it, and I have nothing left up high to latch onto to pull myself back up. The only thing that can ever pull me out of an emomtional drought, even just for a second, is the girl I love the most in the world. I love her more than even my family. I would do anything for her, and I mean anything. Well, I want to be able to say that I'd do anything for her, but I'm very often a coward, and I know that I would back out of anything as soon as it becomes unecessarily difficult. I want to be able to say that I'd actually go to hell so that she would have a chance to go to heaven, but I know thats not possible and I really don't know if I would actually have the balls to do it if I had the chance. But other than that, I think I really would do almost anything for her. Murder, I don't know, but maybe I would if I let my feelings get the better of me. I'm not saying this is a good thing, not at all, but I am simply stating how much my love for here is affecting my thinking and myself. Once, again, I ask, how can I possibly be happy, be anything at all, if my only purpose, which is to love this girl, cannot be done? If I can't show this girl how wonderful she is, how much I love her and how much she should be loved by everyone, then what is the point in doing anything at all in an attempt to live?

Wow I haven't done a blog post in a LONG time | 1st August 2025

              Okay, so I haven't written here in a WHILE, and there are a few new things to mention. As usual, I'm in my computer tech class writing this as I have shit else to do. First of all, I recently got diagnosed with scoliosis. Not too severe, but still a pain in the spine yk. I've had some x rays, but not any proper treatment yet cause we still gotta go through all the figuring out how bad it is and stuff. I'm also finally on antidepressants, so that's nice. They've been really helping, which is very good. Also on birthcontrol to control my period a bit to relieve some gender dysphoria. Only started them yesterday tho. 
              
              I'm also still hopelessly in love with my best friend. She is the most beautiful person I've ever met, inside and out. Sometimes I think that she might like me back, but I'm probably just being delusional. No one knows that I like her. I think about her daily, its getting bad. I just love her so much. This is the most that I've ever loved someone. I really hope that one day she'll at least know how much I love her, and what an amazing person she is. I had a dream about her last night, where we were in a car going somewhere, and she lay her head on my shoulder and we just slept, peacefully, and I just hjffhdkshjkhfds. I was so flustered when I woke up, even though it wasn't real. The dream felt so real tho, I can remember it so well. She's so beautifullll and prettyyyyy and kinddd omg I love her so much I can't fhhjghjsdhsjklfhd.
              
              Also, can we talk about ALL THE NEW MCR CONTENT LATELY?! ITS SO GOOD, THE NEW SHOWS, THE ALBUM LORE, THE UNRELEASED SONG THEY PLAYED AT LA!!!!!! HJDHFHSJKHFJKHDJKSHFJ I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I've watched every show so far on insta live, although I will admit, they were all pretty bad quality considering the wifi at the venues was so bad. Still worth it tho. And the fact that they're going to both South America and South East Asia next year?! They better come to Australia soon, its one of my biggest dreams to see them live.

Back to school + random thoughts | 1st May 2025

              I've started back at school this week, and it hasn't been too bad so far. Since it's term 2, we now have to wear the winter uniform, which is pretty much just adding a tie. But because of the cold, we are also allowed to wear long pants, which I prefer much more than having to wear a skirt. Makes me hopeful that some people might not notice I'm wearing the girls shirt (since both the boys and girls shirts only have minor differences) and think of me as a boy. I mean, I know people in my classes that know me won't think that, I mean it would be nice if they did, but maybe other people from different years might. Who knows. 
              
              I've also started playing Marvel Rivals about midway through the holidays, so about a week ago. It's actually really fun. At the moment, me and one of my friends that I play with are grinding for units so we can get the new Bucky Barnes skin that's coming out for the new Thunderbolts movie. 
              
              On a not so fun note, I've also been feeling like absolute crap lately. I don't know why, but I have absolutely zero motivation to draw, and when I do, it looks like crap, so I just haven't drawn anything in days. It could just be art block, but I've also just been feeling like crap in general. I mean, hopefully once I get on antidepressants, which I probably will be soon-ish, things will get better. It's just that not being able to draw anything I like well has really been making it worse, especially because I want to use my art and drawing for a career of some sort later. I would like to become a mangaka, but considering I'm Australian and live in Australia, that's probably gonna be really damn hard to achieve. But you never know until you try. I could make a Webtoon, I guess. But it would be so cool to be able to see and have physical copies of your own story, you know?
              
              Also, I preordered the Mcr Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge deluxe edition cd, so I'm really excited about that. I know its just remixs of the album, but I listened to the leaked album on google drive, and it sounds so damn good. Plus I just love Mcr so much and I love their merch. I have like four shirts,  poster, three cds (plus the preordered one), a beanie, socks, a mug, a jumper and a keychain. I'm not obsessed, just autistic okay. 
              
              Speaking of autism, I'm so close to getting diagnosed. I've got my second paediatrician's appointment soon, so hopefully I'll be able to get the screener tests or whatever they are then, cause they didn't have them yet at the last appointment. I haven't gotten diagnosed until now because first of all, I masked a lot when I was younger, and second of all, my younger siblings had more apparent traits and higher support needs, so I think they kind of took the spotlight in that regard. Not to say I was neglected, just that my parents (mostly my mum), were so focused on making sure that my siblings had the adequate speech therapy and stuff, that they didn't really have time to see my hidden traits. But I think now, because of all the other mental health stuff I have going on, its become harder to mask, so we've noticed. I mean, it probably would've become harder to mask over time anyway, from what I've heard, but mental health stuff has definetly contributed to it. Its also the fact that I've learnt more about what autism actually is, and realised that I am very much autistic, so I've made a kind of conscious effort to unmask, even though I haven't been formally diagnosed yet.

Last day of term 1! | 11th April 2025

              Once again I'm in class rn, and I am so bored. It's a double period and it only just got to the second period. But it's the last day of term 1, so that's pretty nice. Update on the girl: I definetly still like her. But I'm not gonna do anything about it! Also, I'm listening to Vomiting is Romantic by Talkshow Boy rn and its so good. All his songs are. Go listen to him on Youtube or Bandcamp. He's so underrated. Also, fun fact, three students have gotten expelled already this year and its only term 1. I'm happy they got expelled tho, they deserved it. Idk what the other two did, but if you wanna know what one kid did I've made a previous blog post about it at some point.
              
              I don't have much else to talk about, I'm just really damn bored. I still have 40 minutes left, and pretty much no work to do. Send help, I am dying of boredom. Also annoyed that the girl I like isn't in this class.

I may or may not be a tad bit down bad | 4th April 2025

              This girl has got me down bad I fear. I just really don't want to ruin anything, because she's like my best best friend. We're such good friends that we have never even had a fight about anything, not even joking. It's not that we ignore things, we've just literally never had anything to fight over. But I really don't want to ruin anything. I mean, I'm not even allowed to date yet, so its not like I'm going to be telling her anytime soon, but I am not very good when it comes to hiding feelings (probably the undiagnosed autism ngl). Its also the fact that I'm pretty sure she wouldn't like me back, but lately (probably just the delusion getting to my head), I've been feeling like maybe, possibly, she could maybe at some point like me back somewhat? Probably not though. I don't know. I mean, she's straight and I'm a guy, so I have somewhat of a percentage of a chance. So there's that. I literally cannot stop thinking about her 😭. I am STRUGGLING with this. But as I've said before, I'm not gonna do anything about it anytime soon because 1. I'm not allowed to date and 2. Usually when I have a crush it goes away after a while, so I'm gonna wait it out and see if this ones the same. 
              
              Also, I might soon make a blinkies page, so yeah. Idk I just wanted to mention that.

Low-key a little delulu rn | 26th March 2025

              Once again, I am writing this in the middle of computer tech at school. It's period three rn, and I have like no work to do. Well, I do have work avaliable, but I'm gonna leave it to do on the double on friday, otherwise I will be extra bored then. Anyway, about the delulu. I cannot stop thinking about Chloe. I think I may be cooked. Burnt, if you will. And this is probably just me being delulu, but I think there's a slight, 2% chance she could maybe one day like me back? Idk, probably not. This probably won't be a long post, cause I don't have much to talk about, and I don't wanna get caught on neocites in the middle of class. But there's a pretty chill teacher here rn, so I doubt I'll get caught. I don't know what I would do if someone from school found this website. I mean, they might not notice its me, unless they read these blog posts, then I'm cooked. Although I don't think anyone reads these anyway, so I'm not too worried. 
              
              Also, random, but there is a really hot guy in this class rn. He's not in my class, because as I've explained before, during computer tech I'm in a random year 11 class. I'm just sitting off to the side doing my work while they do English or something. Anyway, about the hot guy. Oh my gosh I can't. I don't actually have a crush on him, like want to date him, but oh boy is he attractive. And he has a weirdly deep voice. Like, he does not look like he should have a deep voice, and as a closted ftm teenager, I am a tad bit jealous.

What do I do 😭 | 24th March

              I've mentioned this briefly in a previous post, but there's this one friend I have who I think I might have a little crush on, who I'll call Chloe. But there's a few problems with that; especially considering the fact that another one of my friends, who I'll call O, likes me, and I've told him I like him back, because I did, but I don't know if I do anymore (we're not actually dating because I'm not allowed to date, even though I'm almost 15). There's also the fact that I just know that Chloe most definetly wouldn't like me back, but lately I've been feeling like they might, but I know that there is a 98% chance that that is just me being delusional. So now I just don't know what to do. I mean, I've already pretty much made up my mind that I'm just going to completely ignore these feelings, because for some reason whenever I have a crush on someone it tends to go away after three months at the most. Which is also why I am so annoyed at my past self for telling O that I liked him, because even though I did like him at the time, I don't know if I do anymore.
              
              There's also the fact that whenever I think I might like someone, I find it really hard to tell if I actually do. So that's another reason I'm just trying to ignore it. Also, I know I'm not ready to date rn, cause I have a lot of things going on, but ignoring it doesn't make it any easier 😭

I'm bored | 21st March 2025

              I'm literally in class rn, I'm so bored. It's the last two periods of the day, and I'm in a year 11 class rn cause I have borderless learning, so I'm just sitting off to the side of their class doing my computer tech while they're having their english lesson. One of the best parts of this class is that there is a really attractive guy in the class, so that makes it a littel more bearable. One of the girls rn is shit talking some of the teachers which is funny. She's also telling off one of the boys for not typing his hair up, and I'm just sitting here with my hair not tied up trying not to laugh. 
              
              This class is so chill, especially because there's a sub so its even more chill. I'm not with any of my friends at all tho, so that's a bit annoying, but it is nice just having some chill time. I have literally no work left to do, so I'm just sitting here looking on Neocities and listening to the year 11s. Some girls just came in to deliver uniforms and I almost got a heart attack because if they hadn't knocked and just come straight in I would've been cooked, since my laptop screen is facing the door. I'm literally directly next to the door. But as long as the teacher doesn't notice, which she won't she's like the chillest teacher there is at this school, then I'm all good. 
              
              Regarding my last blog post, I am so glad that Daniel is gone, cause otherwise he would be in this class with me, which was awkward because other than the year 11s, there is only one other person in borderless learning with me. Also, because Daniel's gone, my friend brought a metre long Toblerone to celebrate the fact that we don't have to worry about being molested at school! She also brought warheads, and I got the best flavour so that's pretty nice. I also think I like one of my friends, which is NOT good because I do NOT want to ruin the friendship. There may be a future blog post about that, if I feel like writing one. If any of my friends find this website I'm cooked. Unless they don't realise it's me, but they probably will because of the last blog post, so. 
              
              The head of senior school just walked in and I was almost cooked 💀. I'm gonna end the blog post here because I do NOT want to get cooked, burnt if you will, by the head of senior school.

Me and my friends just got a creep expelled (May be a bit triggering, has mentioms of suicide, sexual harrasment, and death threats)| 20th March 2025

              I used to be friends with this guy, who for the sake of keeping him and myself anonymous, will be called Daniel for this story (no hate to Daniels out there). Daniel used to be one of my good friends, ever since I changed school a year and a bit ago. But as of late-ish last year, he has been a real asshole. Here's a list of the things he's done (in no particular order): 
              Called me a tranny, and also called my other friends disgusting names, told me and some of my friends to kill ourselves, asked out a friend, she said no, and he was still very clingy and would always hold her hand to lay his head on her shoulder (we got a pic of that on the bus), even when she didn't want him to. He would even put his hand on her thight without asking. He was even still acting like this when he was dating another girl, asked out another friend, she said no, later he asked her for tit pics, she said no, and after that he asked her if she wanted dick pics, showed us hentai and porn without us wanting it, even some child porn, online and to some friends on the bus (which is ILLEGAL), talked VERY sexually about another girl in our grade, and I mean he was saying some disgusting crap, pretty sure he said he wanted to touch some of us sexually, like in a rapey way, also said he wanted to kill us?
              
              So, the story of how we got him expelled. All this stuff had been going on for a few months, mostly at the end of last year and through the Christmas/Summer holidays. Majority of it was online, so we got a lot of screenshots (I mean A LOT, this guy would not stop). When we got back to school, after a while we talked to some teachers about it. The friend that he asked out and asked for tit pics was the first one to tell a teacher, and she also got her parents to talk to the school about it. Some teachers talked to each of us individually, and we told them EVERYTHING. 
              
              The friend whos parents got involved also printed out all the screenshots that all of us had gotten, even highlighted and labeled them, and brought them in with her parents for a meeting with the school. Today, my friend who he first asked out and was really clingy with told a teacher about how he had been touching her without her consent. At some point today at school, we all thought he had gone home, since he was no where to be seen. But he was on the bus in the afternoon apparrently, so idk. Then this afternoon, I got a message from my friend who is still in contact with him, and he said that Daniel had called him telling him that he's expelled. Daniel also messaged another friend about it, and I told the discord groupchat to let the others know.
              
              And now we're all happy because we don't have to worry about him anymore. Just for anyone reading this who may be going through something similar, don't be afraid to reach out. And if you do reach out and they do nothing about it, keep trying, for your safety.

*Vent* also MY BLINKIESSSS | 16th March 2025

              Before I write the rest of this I'm just gonna clarify that although I am posting quite consistencly rn, I will probably stop at some point for a while, then remember I have a website and get back into it again. 
              
              Being trans and not able to transition sucks. I mean, I have it better than other people I will admit, but it still sucks. Like, my mum accepts me and I'm pretty sure most of my friends do, but because of my dad I won't be able to transition until I'm an adult. I just wish I could have the normal teenage boy experiences, and I wish that my mum would treat me like a boy. She knows that I'm trans, and she really is helping me with getting me a psycologist and stuff, but still. I can tell she doesn't actually think of me as a boy. And she always brings it up for no reason. I hate it. 
              
              Also, my blinkies on my homepage are pissing me off so bad. When I first put them in, they're fine, they render properly and stuff, but then for NO REASON THEY DECIDE TO WARP AND I CAN'T FIX IT FOR THE LIFE OF ME. PLEASE HELP I AM GOING INSANE OVER THESE DAMN BLINKIES.

Talkshow Boy | 15th March 2025

              You have no idea how much I love Talkshow Boy. I mean you can probably already tell, considering all the Talkshow Boy stuff on this website. I first started listening to his music around April-May last year, and I haven't stopped. The first albums I listened to were Testosterone then Watch As I Perform My Own Tracheotomy. The first song I heard was I Cut Myself; I found it through an animatic on Youtube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKb-uQ-yFVU&rco=1).
              
              By now, I've listened to pretty much every single one of his songs (if there's more out there I WILL FIND THEM). I love his music so much, he's so underrated, please go listen to some of his music. His music is so unique, and every album is so different but still has that obvious Talkshow Boy-esque vibe. I love all his music so much that I can't choose a favourite song, or even a favourite album, although I really do like Ice Police (the ep).
              
              He's also just a really cool person from what I've seen. He's left-wing, supports lgbt, poc and women's rights, which I feel like everyone should but sadly not everyone does. But he does, and that's pretty damn nice. 
              
              I also just have to mention his song Andrew From Chicago Is Ghetto Booty, from the perestroika love album. The title, the actual song, its just such an out-there song compared to what people are making today and its just pretty damn cool. If I ever make music (which lets be honest, I am crap at making music so it probably won't happen, but who knows), his music will definetly be an influence. 
              
              The music also just goes so well with my autism. Like I'm not even joking the happy autism receptors love his stuff, always gets the autistic happy flappy hands going (neurodivergents, you know what I mean). Also just helps with the mental health stuff, which I won't get into. All the music I listen to does, like Mcr, but I just had to mention how Talkshow Boy's music is so upbeat it just drowns out any thinking going on.

Little does he know its gay | 14th March 2025

              I'm writing this on the 14th of March, 2025, but this has been going on since term four of school last year (I'm in Australia so Term four is just before the summer/christmas holidays). For the sake of staying anonymous on the internet I will be calling the guy in this story Toad, because he looks like Toad from Mario (not personality wise, hair wise). For the sake of understanding this, if you don't already know I am a trans guy, and I am not out at school so everyone except for my friends think I'm a girl.
            
              So, the first time this guy talked to me (in this context) last year, it was during a sport lesson. We were playing netball, so we had our set positions, and I was guarding him. During the game, he said to me, obviously joking, "Hey (name), I have something to tell you. I've really liked you for a long time" yadda yadda yadda all that stuff, talking in what I take as a joking tone. You know when guys ask out people or say they like someone just to make fun of that person? That's what I thought it was, so I just completely ignored him. Around the same time this happened, I also got passed a note in class, apparently from him (although at the time I was pretty sure it was just one of his friends playing a joke, and I still kinda think that), asking me out. I just chucked the note in the bin because they were obviously joking and making fun of me.
            
              Now, this year. It's only term one, and he has asked me out and asked me to be his valentine, both times I said no. Also, one time in History class, there was an empty seat next to me, and he just decided to move next to me. He just said hi and sat there. After a bit, when I wasn't talking to him at all except for saying hi back, he got up. But for some reason, before going back to his seat, he asked me if I'm okay with him going back to his seat. Why wouldn't I be okay, I do not like him in the slightest, he is one of the most annoying people in my grade. I've even heard majority of his friends say they think he's annoying, which does make me feel a bit bad for him, but still. I told him I do not care about the fact he's going back to his seat. 
            
              He's also just been talking to me about random things a lot, like one time in Science he asked to borrow my sharpener two times and my rubber as well in one lesson. Yesterday, he told me he 'got the note I gave him' and that he feels the same way, even though I never gave him a note and never would. Today, he kept talking to me in Science, asking me about the timetable, which is normal stuff to ask, but the fact that his friend had already told him was what made it weird.
            
              Little does he know, I'm a guy, and he is being gay :) That's the only reason I haven't told him to leave me alone, and also because its kinda funny.

I-Brought-You-My-Bullets-You-Brought-Me-Your-Love-cover